My last analysis copied the structure of another previous student's piece; I took the format and plugged in my own words in a way that would make my professor happy enough to give me a good grade. Sure, I did what she wanted, but was the grade well deserved? The analysis of the documentary Blackfish was unoriginal and probably the same as almost everyone else's. I hate that. I feel so ashamed now I did not try harder to produce a more "Kayla-esc" paper that I can sincerely be proud of. But this Summary and Analysis I truly am proud of as I followed the requirements of my new professor and I did my own thing. I did not know what I was doing, but the paper is me and my own voice and structure.
Although my work ethic was different than now, I realize I still have that same apprehensive feeling before starting a paper. That consuming uncertainty of what to say and how to say it. So many ideas flood my mind I cannot keep track, making me feel almost dumb because I am unable to put my thoughts on paper. Especially when I have the inability to write them down in an eloquent, smart, and unique way. The pressure to be perfect but stand out I feel actually suppresses me. I wish I could just write my voice and it would be appropriate, but I understand there must be a level of professionalism and intelligence. I feel like many writers struggle with this problem as well, but I feel all I can do to improve is to continue writing. And I really try but I have always hated writing because of this problem of trying to be so outstandingly different.
I will always try to hard to the point where it constricts my mental flow, but I have to keep going, keep writing and practicing. I know how important writing is, how powerful the tool is for my future and I need to get over myself and just... write.
